“And that’s the bitch of it, Draco. I don’t know how to love. I don’t even know what I feel for her is love. I’ve been trying to figure it out!” Mal cries out, frustrated. “I’m already lonely. I can handle lonely. I can make a choice for her though, right, mate? Just like you did for Granger. Less danger all around. I will avoid the Mark for as long as I can and for insurance, avoid Cho in case they corner me and I get Marked anyway. That way, I’ll never have to know what it’s like to live in your shoes,” Mal bites his lip. “Did you tell Granger you loved her?”
“It’s probably better that way, but then what do I know? I tried and Granger bit my head off. It wasn’t my choice for her. She wanted to have that choice.” He sighed. “Yeah, but… it doesn’t matter. We’re over and it’s for the better. I can’t… I wouldn’t be able to push her away again. But i can’t let her get close.”
“Is this what it’s like then. This love?” Mal asks on a whisper. “You want her. You can’t have her, can’t be with her. You do all that you know to protect her. An here you are getting drunk every night and then feeling for her so much that you pluck up the nerve to ask Potter, your worst enemy, how she’s doing? That’s really shitty. Really.”
He thinks about it for a long moment before taking another swig and looking at his friend. “She consumes my every waking moment, mate. And when I sleep, all I see is her. When I’m awake I think I’m protecting her, but I can’t in my sleep. I see her die a million ways each night and it honestly kills me. And so it makes it easier each day, to stay away, because asking her to love me back would send her to her death. I can’t let her die for giving me peace. I can’t ask her to put herself in danger just so I have a few happy moments. Someone once told me love was putting them before yourself. Maybe that’s true. All I know is that every fiber in my body calls for her, but I can’t succumb. I’m not saying it’s easy, but just knowing she’s safe away from me… it makes it a little more worth it.”
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